So...it all started out pretty innocently. "Hey, let's pull weeds in the front yard" leads to "Hey, let's mow the lawn" leads to "Hey, why not replant the lawn?" and finally "Hey, let's dig out half the lawn and replace it with an over-engineered, cantilevered footing and retaining wall made of concrete masonry units!" Yeah! Sounded like such a great, poorly planned out idea. Not that it didn't need to happen, but a 60' long, 30" tall wall is not exactly an afternoon project. So yeah. We became "those neighbors" as seen in the picture. Dirt piles. Caution tape. Rebar sticking up from the ground. Yep. That's us. For 4 months now.
OK. So it's not all our fault. We're not just sitting on our butts waiting for the wall to build itself. But we've got the funds and have been working double time. The husband ends up really enjoying digging holes.
I know you're probably wondering where those famous step-by-step instructions are. Well don't you worry your pretty little heads. I've got 'em.
Step 1: Get an idea of what you're getting into. We didn't. We now have an unexpected water feature along side our sidewalk.
Step 2: Draw it out. If you just so happen to be taking architectural record exams, well then you'll want to over-engineer that bad boy enough to hold back a 50' high wall. After all, what better way to study?
Step 3: Dig.
Step 4: Dig.
Step 5: Dig more.
Step 6: Lay down your rebar and steel mesh to keep the foundation solid.
Step 7: Go to Home Depot and get 15 bags of cement because you're an idiot and think that will be enough for your footing. Then go back 6 more times to get more cement, because no matter how much you get, it is NEVER enough. Then, learn your lesson and order a truck for the next batch of footing because mixing cement is the biggest pain in the ass ever.
Step 8: Let it dry.
Step 9: Start laying CMU (concrete masonry unit aka cinder block) as if you know what you're doing; even though you haven't a bloody clue.
Step 10: Have a century-year-old neighbor stop by who just so happens to be an ex-mason. Have him/her look at your work. Laugh at your feeble display of workmanship. Then show you up and sling mud like one BAMF. Hang your head in shame. Learn. Rinse. Repeat.
Step 11: Finish the first 20' feet or so. Fill unnecessarily with concrete in every other CMU cell to further the "over-engineered" mega wall theme. Stop all work for several weeks, just to see how long your neighbors will take this new eyesore before telling you off at the local homeowners' association meeting. Also, be sure to keep dangerous rebar sticking up out of the ground to increase the level of white trash while simultaneously leaving you liable when (not if) the neighbors' cat impales itself one evening while on patrol.
Note to reader: the yellow caution tape really adds to the white trash mystique you have constructed.
As usual, I'll have to say: stay tuned. We're not done. But we will be. God help me and the neighbors. We will be soon.
